Alfred Shmeegle

Alfred Shmeegle (1950-2003) was the man who set the record for the most FPM in 1981, and who participated in a famous pieeating contest the same year.

EARLY CHILDHOOD AND TEENAGE YEARS

When Alfred was born he weighed 20.3 lbs, killing his mother instantly while she was still in labor. Alfred grew up with his father (no name provided) and ate hotdogs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When he was 8 he weighed 128 pounds and competed in his first pieeating contest. He came in 1st place and started eating the other contestants' hotdogs even though the contest was already finished. At the age of 12 Alfred suffered from a serious heart attack on the toilet because he was 294 pounds. The remaining poop had to be physically removed or he would have exploded. When Alfred was 15 he got his first job as a Professional Hotdog Eater. Over the course of his career he was promoted to Senior Hotdog Eater Executive Person w/ Mustard and Relish But No Ketchup and had tasted over 800 different hotdogs. He weighed 560 pounds at the time. When Alfred was 19, he was fired because he was too fat. He weighed 1068 pounds.

ADULTHOOD AND THE DIET

When Alfred was 23 he was sent to a summer dieting camp by his father until he was 27. Each year he lost 4 pounds, and as a result lost only weighed 1048 pounds. His father was so happy with his success that he bought him 50,000 hotdogs and a warehouse in Cuba that could be opened when he turned 30. There were 845,000,000 hotdogs in that warehouse, and over 84,000 tons of relish, ketchup, and mustard. When Alfred was 30 he moved to Cuba and lived in the warehouse and purchased 3 cats. He forced the cats to eat the hotdogs and if they didn't he would cut their eyes out and shove them in his ears and scream at the top of his lungs. Alfred finished all 845,000,000 hotdogs in 27 minutes. He then weighed 2950 pounds and was classified as a threat to humanity. He suffered numerous heartattacks throughout his 30s and 40s but he was so fat that he could barely feel them.

LATER YEARS AND DEATH

When Alfred turned 50 he moved back to his old house, only to find his father dead in the bathtub with his eyes crossed and a rubber ducky in his mouth. Alfred removed the rubber ducky gently and fed the corpse hotdogs. When Alfred turned 53 he weighed 5432 pounds and exploded while taking a walk. The explosion lasted 0.3 seconds and could have easily been missed if you blinked your eye. After the explosion nobody picked up Alfred's flesh, but a Strange Man grabbed his thumb from his right hand and ran away.

TRIVIA

- Alfred loved to play floor hockey with his cats. In one match his Persian scored 7 goals.

- Hotdogs weren't the only things that Alfred ate. He frequently ate lightbulbs, batteries, his own eyebrow hair, and a hobo's foot.

- Alfred's mother weighed 63 pounds at the time of birth and was 4'3 tall. She was 35 years old.

- Alfred would sometimes make faces at babies.

- Alfred liked to spank dogs.

- Alfred always dipped his newspaper in fresh pee after he was done reading it and would force his female neighbor nextdoor to eat it.

- Alfred's eyes were black were pink sprinkles.

- Alfred never took a shower a day in his life.

- Alfred's favorite color was gray because it resembled his favorite nighttime snack, pigeon turd.

- Strangely, Alfred's mother and father were not fat or even overweight.

- Alfred loved Star Wars and whenever Darth Vader came on screen he would start eating his toejam.